The decision to end a relationship with a partner is rarely easy to make and often involves a lot of consideration. There are many things to take into consideration, including, of course, how you feel about your partner. However, according to relationship experts, there is one important factor you should not forget to consider before deciding to break up with someone.
When a relationship gets complicated, look within.
Relationships are a two-way street; no matter how much you criticize your partner, it’s also important to exercise self-awareness. This means you should look at how you contribute to the problems in the relationship. Furthermore, many of the issues we bring into relationships stem from personal problems that we have yet to resolve.
As couples counselor Margaret Paul explains, “Many people who break up are no happier than they were in the relationship. Suppose you’re holding your partner responsible for your feelings and blaming your partner for unhappiness. In that case, it’s probably not time to break up.”
To that end, certified sex therapist and couples counselor Jessa Zimmerman also notes that there’s the potential to learn a lot by trying to understand problems in the relationship rather than simply breaking up when things get difficult. “We will carry any unresolved issues with us or possibly have them into our next relationship anyway,” she says, which is why she recommends avoiding the tendency to make hasty or sudden decisions in a difficult time.
In short, before you decide to commit to a complete breakup, take time to reflect on who you are as an individual and how you are showing up to your partner in your relationship. Recognize where you are neglecting your own needs and inappropriately placing the burden of meeting them on your partner.
As Paul says, “If you ignore your feelings, judge yourself, turn to various vices to numb your feelings, or make your partner responsible for your feelings of worth and security, then you are rejecting and abandoning yourself, and you. You have work to do to learn to love yourself. People tend to treat us the way we treat ourselves, so focus on how you treat yourself rather than how your partner treats you.”
How to move forward thoughtfully
We would be remiss not to mention that if there is any abuse present, if you have been really unhappy with your partner for some time, or if your gut is telling you to leave, don’t feel obligated to stay in the relationship.
Suppose you decide to embark on some kind of journey of change while remaining in the relationship. In that case, it can be beneficial to work with a therapist to gain clarity about yourself and your thoughts and how you can improve your relationship over time. If your current partner is okay with it, you might consider couples therapy together.
As you uncover and resolve some of the deeper issues manifesting in your relationship, you can reevaluate your relationship from a place of trust and clarity. You may discover that you can make the relationship work, or perhaps you realize with all your heart that this relationship needs to end.
“When you look at your part of the problem, and you’ve done the work to change, you feel good about it, and you’re still unhappy, maybe it’s time to end the relationship,” says Zimmerman.
If you still have questions about whether ending your relationship is the right choice, check out our guide on how to know it’s time to let someone go.
Conclusion
Who among us doesn’t have at least some improvement to make? If you’re at a rough patch in your relationship and thinking about breaking up, take some time to really focus on yourself and your own improvement before making a big decision. You may discover that it is you who needs to change.
